Nightmare's End
by Aki-Chan04
Summary: Ryo's feelings of guilt - and his nightmares - are getting the better of him. Can he find the absolution he needs to go on?


Disclaimer: Despite the Ryo that is happily living with me in my dorm room, I can't claim to own Generator Gawl

Disclaimer: Despite the Ryo that is happily living with me in my dorm room, I can't claim to own Generator Gawl. Only hope the last volume comes out SOON!!!

AN: Okay. I guess this would have slight spoilers if you haven't seen ep. 9. So if you haven't and you read this and weird things are going on that you can't figure out, it's your own fault! 

And if you are reading this, and you're an author, we need more Generator Gawl stories!! ;) 

Nightmare's End

I sit here and stare at the rain as it pours down from a watercolor gray sky that stretches on past the horizon. I can see the Ohju ring tower, red lights flashing with a reliable intermittence despite the endless drops of water pouring down from the heavens and coating the entire city in a shiny slick glaze.

I have the window open, and a cool breeze thick with humidity brushes past my cheeks and tosses a fringe of blond hair into my eyes. I reach up and brush the hair away without a second thought as the curtains beside me lash in the growing wind. 

I'll have to close the window soon. 

I can hear Gawl's snoring coming from behind me even over the sound of the wind and the steady pounding of the rain on the world before my eyes. I hear him roll over, the shifting of blankets beneath his arms and legs as he tosses and turns in his sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. 

I can only pray that he doesn't dream about the things I dream about. 

***

The night was a restless one for me. Most of them are. It's all I can do to just lie there, staring at the brown boards of the ceiling and wishing that my mind were at ease. That's not too much to ask, is it? It would be such bliss, the emptiness that comes with absolution; all I can do is stare out the window at the world beyond the glass and pretend that I'm not a result of the death of it. That the destruction of this world was not what brought rise to mine. 

I know Kohji doesn't think so - if he does he hides it better than I could expect. He has no reserves, no qualms with doing what needs to be done. That's why we need him; if it were up to me... 

My thoughts trail off. I don't want to think about what would happen if it were up to me. 

The teacher's voice is a cicada droning in my ears, the pencil in my hand is the only thing anchoring me to this classroom. I don't want to be here. My eyelids are like lead weights; the effect of not having slept well for days is finally getting to me. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. The worry in my stomach only knots itself tighter until I can barely take it any more, and it's all I can do to keep my fingers from snapping my pencil in two. 

I can't take this much longer. 

I can't talk to Kohji about it. The last time I did that... His words only twisted my worry tighter. I know that Gawl doesn't feel the same way I do - I know that he doesn't think I'm the terrible monster that I see staring back in the mirror every morning, hidden by a pale face inset with blue eyes, framed by blonde hair, the picture of innocence. Sometimes I'm surprised by how innocent my face looks. But that innocence is all that Gawl sees - only the face and the eyes and the hair – and he doesn't see what lies beneath that mask 

Kohji sees it but he doesn't see what's wrong with it. Sometimes I wonder if he feels anything at all - but then I tell myself that's not true, I know he feels things because he came back here with us. He leads us, and although he does it like one that pities his followers too much to quit his position, he does it nonetheless. But... sometimes I feel as if he'd be the first to stoke, rather than quell, that inner demon that frightens me so. I think he sees it and sees potential where I see danger. And that frightens me. 

"Ryo?" 

I blink - someone is talking to me. I look up to see Masami's worried face peering back at me, her eyes filled with concern as her long red hair falls over her shoulders. She is leaning on my desk, frighteningly close, and I jump, nearly falling out of my chair in the process. 

She pauses a second before bursting into laughter. "Hey, Ryo, you should watch those nerves!" she exclaims. I realize that the classroom is empty now, save Masami before me and Kohji and Gawl standing by the door. Gawl is blinking at me, a blank sort of confusion on his features that I know hides the sharp mind within. Kohji's eyes are narrowed, and I can feel his gaze pierce my skin and probe my soul. 

"Here, Ryo," Masami offers her hand. I take it, standing and following her as we head towards the door. "Maybe you should think about eating less sugar for breakfast," she advises as we pass through the doorway, followed by Gawl and Kohji. 

"Man, speaking of breakfast, I didn't get any, can we hurry this up?" Gawl whines from behind me; I feel a small smile play across my lips. At least he seems untroubled enough. Somehow that gives me peace of mind - just a little bit - to know that he is still untainted by the concern that rings in my ears day in and out. As long as he has that... 

As long as he has that I can hope for the courage to look past my own sins. 

I look up from the floor, lifting my eyes from the shiny white linoleum to look out the windows lining the hallway as we pass through it, white beings through a white passage, how can anyone ever tell the difference...? Outside the sky is blue, the rain from last night now only a distant memory, having given way to bright sunlight and a cloudless sky. 

And the bright white beam that signals the arrival of another Generator. 

The hair rises on the back of my neck; my skin feels as if a live wire were dancing over it and I can feel the intruder's presence grating on my senses. My stomach clenches and I can feel my hands curl into fists; I glance behind me to see Gawl's face is tight, his mouth pulled down into a grimace and behind him Kohji is looking distinctly unhappy. Masami, oblivious to all of this, is still marching us down the hallway towards the cafeteria.

And for an instant I want so badly to follow her. My stomach drops and the only thing in the entire world that I desire is the ignorance to follow her slim figure down the hall, into the cafeteria, and over to a table where I know Natsumi will be waiting. I want nothing more than the knowledge of our mission - of our purpose - to be wiped from my mind, and simple innocence to be left behind. 

But I am not innocent. 

And I can't follow Masami. 

Kohji, of course, knows this already and has begun speaking. 

"Actually, Masami, I promised Professor Nakazaki that we would help her move some old equipment out of her lab this afternoon. I'm sorry but we'll have to skip lunch." 

Gawl for once does not complain - his eyes are focused on the spot outside the window, the landing site for his newest opponent. He is nearly oblivious to the world around him, poised like a cat about to pounce. 

Masami doesn't seem to notice; sometimes I think it's more that she doesn't *want* to notice, rather than a simple lack of observational skill. Masami is observant. She wouldn't miss something like this on purpose. 

She sighs loudly. "Fine, fine. You three go ahead, see if I care. Just don't expect my mother to serve dinner any earlier just 'cause you didn't get any lunch!" She turns and continues down the hall, making it just obvious that she's angry with us for leaving her. 

No matter. She'll get over it. She always does. 

Gawl, meanwhile, has sprinted off down the hall; Kohji and I follow, aware of the tension in the air. The tension that dissolves my false hope immediately, the tension that turns Gawl into an animal, an instinctual being that scares me almost as much as I scare myself. I can't bear to see him like this much longer - it's killing me almost as quickly as my mind itself.

It's killing him, too, my mind echoes. And that's even worse.

***

The time it takes us to arrive at the site seems like nothing - the trip blurs before my eyes until all I can remember is a green and gray and blue blur that must have been the world as I passed through it, and now we are at the very place where the intruder stands. It's a new model, nothing like one I've ever seen before, massive and sharp-edged, like the monsters I see in my dreams. 

Its blue-plated armor stands out in the bright sunlight; we are in a run down-looking place, a part of town I've never been to before. I can hear the sounds of construction off in the distance, the din of the machinery grating against my ears almost as much as this Generator grates on the rest of my senses. 

I lick dry lips and I can feel my brow furrow. I don't like this. 

Gawl has already shucked his clean white uniform jacket, standing there in his t-shirt and white pants, fingers curled into fists and legs poised to pounce. His eyes look positively feral as he looks over his opponent once, twice. 

"You're not so big," he snarls, and in an instant I am thrown back by the pure power of his generation, and there are loud noises above me and the fight has begun. 

"Ryo, get out of the way!" I can hear Kohji's curt words from behind me; I feel his hand grab the back of my collar and yank me bodily from the place where the grappling Generators have just landed. Kohji does not let go, but he runs farther from the fight, dragging me helplessly behind him. As I am hauled off I see the enemy slam Gawl into the ground; once, twice, three times and the concrete has cracked and heaved itself up where it is being abused. 

Where Gawl is being abused. He is thrown down a fourth time, and he does not get up.

"Kohji, stop!" I scream, clawing at his iron grip on my collar, doesn't he understand that Gawl's not getting up, that he's going to be killed, that I have to do something now?

He's stopped running, but he won't let go of me. "Ryo, stop it. You can't do anything," he tells me calmly. His voice leaves no room for questions but I have some anyway.

Because I know he's wrong. I can do something, and I *will* do something, because Gawl still hasn't gotten up and something bad is going to happen unless Kohji lets go of me right now - 

I can feel my eyes widen, my teeth clench in rage, my hands have stopped pulling at Kohji's and have curled into fists. 

"*Ryo*." Kohji's voice is sharp and short behind me, but he doesn't understand. 

He doesn't understand that I'm the one that's responsible for all this - for Gawl, for this pain; I'm the reason we're here in the first place. 

And I'll be damned if I'm going to let Gawl pay my penance in hell. 

The air around me is thick with electricity, the unreleased charge pressing down on me like a weight and I'm beginning to see spots dancing at the forefront of my vision. My skin is crawling, itching and I want to pull it off, to break free from its prison like I know I can - 

"*Ryo*!"

I hear myself screaming as I generate. 

Kohji's hand is gone - my clothes are gone, my mind is gone as I charge at the enemy, knowing only that I must rip him to shreds. The blood must be on my hands when this is done. 

The Generator screams in rage as I tackle it head-on, ripping and tearing and clawing with hands that are no longer just hands but weapons that need to be fed with blood. 

I feel it beating on me, punching me, kicking me, piercing me with its claws. I pay it no heed, merely continue ripping it away piece by piece, tearing out my mind in the process, tearing away at my dreams because I need them to go away. 

"Ryo! Stop it!" A voice is screaming at me, the sound of it reverberating off the shell of my skin, and it's not Kohji's voice. 

I turn to see Gawl lying on the pavement behind me, pieces of it piled around him and he's holding his side as the pool of blood beside him slowly spreads to fill the hole he was thrown down into. He has reverted back to his human form, his green eyes staring at me as if they're searching for something. There is a look of shocked horror on his face and at this moment I cannot begin to imagine why. 

All I can see is red - the red life that he's losing every second I don't do something to stop it. 

And then I see more red - the red that is pouring out my stomach, followed by the spiked arm of the Generator behind me; it has punched a hole right through me. For an instant I am too shocked to feel pain. Then it hits and the world goes white and there is a searing, tearing shock of pain as it pulls its arm out of me. I feel myself fall, see the black pavement rush up to meet my face, feel the air tear away my armor and feel the street's cool roughness beneath my soft pink cheek.

I can feel the warmth seeping out of me, soaking into my shirt and then cooling against my skin. 

I can feel the shock of the impact when Gawl re-generates and takes out the enemy in one blow. 

*Oh well,* I can hear my mind echo, *I tried.*

And it's over now. Finally, the nightmare is over. 

And I know I'm ready for it to end.

***

"Ryo? Ryo?! Ryo, come on, you gotta wake up!" 

There is a desperate voice clawing at me, pulling me up out of the warm blackness that it seems I have only just welcomed. The silence is gone, replaced by white noise. 

Machines beeping. Air flowing. People talking. 

My stomach is on fire, numb but searing my mind with pain at the same time.

Someone is shaking my arm. 

My eyes open and show me a white ceiling, white walls, and a worried-looking Gawl begging me not only with his voice, but with his eyes. And there isn't a scratch on him.

"Ryo!" He stops shaking me and gapes, half-grinning, green eyes turning liquid. 

There is a tube down my throat. 

"Ryo's awake!" he screams, bounding out of the room, "Ryo's awake! He's *awake*!" 

Suddenly there is a flood of people rushing into the room; Masami bursts in, tears sparkling in her eyes and her mouth already open to begin shouting. Natsumi follows, her familiar worried expression present, face taunt and paler than usual. Gawl bounds back in as Masami grips the railing and leans over, whooping with joy to see that my eyes are open. 

"Ohmi*God*, Ryo, we thought you were *dead*! How could you *do* that - you guys should *know* better than to even *think* about helping out in *that* part of town, this is all Kohji's fault, I can't *believe*...!" 

Kohji is standing in the doorway. I can't read what's in his eyes. 

A nurse, attracted by all the sudden noise, pushes rudely past Kohji and comes over to the bed, her face cross and voice sharp. 

"He's not allowed to have visitors yet! Family only! Shoo!" 

She pushes Masami and Natsumi towards the door; Natsumi complies but Masami is complaining, "*Family*?! You actually think these guys are - " 

Her voice is cut off as the door shuts behind them and I am left with Gawl peering over the edge of the bedrail. I don't know where Kohji is; perhaps he left with the others. 

There is a moment of silence, punctuated only by the *beep* of the heart monitor and the sound of air being forced in and out of my lungs.

He bites his lip. 

"Hey, Ryo," he says; his voice is uncharacteristically soft and so are his eyes. "I... look," he sighs, looking away. "Don't go doing that!" He looks back at me, eyes reflecting the sudden desperation in his voice. "That's *my* job - your job is to be the quiet little computer nerd. Got it?" 

I try to tell him with my eyes alone that he knows that is not the case. 

He does. He sighs again. 

"Listen," he begins, leaning over the bedrail, voice soft in my ears, "I know how you feel. Kohji told me. And I'm here to tell you that it's *not* your fault. So quit beating yourself up already. I'm doin' this 'cause I want to, not because you *made* me. You really think you can get me to do something I don't wanna do?" 

I feel myself smile around the tube, despite the empty feeling in my head. 

"Look, see, you know it's true," Gawl observes, and grins momentarily. "So. I'm not gonna take it from you any more. If I catch you beating up on yourself again..." He trails off, apparently realizing that threatening to hurt me is not going to be of much use. 

I smile again. Something in his words has caught me and affixed me firmly to the expression in his eyes. To his sincerity. 

He *is* sincere. And... some part of the emptiness is cracked. And filled. 

"Look," he says, eyes sliding off to the side, as if he doesn't want to look at my face any longer, "please stop doing this to yourself." And then his eyes are back, locked on mine, and I can't look away. 

"If you're looking for forgiveness," he says, "for whatever you did - whatever you *think* you did... Ryo, I forgive you." 

And he places his hand on mine for the briefest of instants, warm skin that I can feel even through the numbness, and he smiles - a weak smile, unlike any I've ever seen him give me before - and turns, headed for the door. 

"I'm gonna go get Kohji, and see if I can't get rid a' Masami. You're *never* going to get better with *that* loudmouth screamin' at you left and right!" he calls, bouncing out the door like nothing ever happened and I am left staring at the white ceiling tiles. 

I feel the tears slide down my cheeks, soaking into the pillow beneath me. 

I'm tired, too; I can feel myself slipping back into sleep even now. 

But somehow, I don't think I have to be scared of that anymore.


End file.
